I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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