and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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