When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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