I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
