I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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