did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize