I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
