dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
