New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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