Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Someone stole a lamp last night.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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