Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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