i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
