Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
