Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
