R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
