If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
