If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
