He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
