She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
