I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
