Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
