that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize