this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
