Apparently you make a good broom.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
