I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
