Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
