someone threw a dead crab at me
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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