i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
