I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize