I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You're like the curious george of whores
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
