im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
