I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
So much rum. So many feels.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
