Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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