happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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