So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
