Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
