when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
