i can't believe i had my finger in that
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
