Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
