if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize