I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
