i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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