party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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