I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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