um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
