this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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