Dude my mom stole all your condoms
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
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