Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
