Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
she looked like the before picture.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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