she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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