my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
