You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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