I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
