All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
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