She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
