i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
