trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
