Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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