This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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